Yayyy! We’re in Prince Edward County, the land of magical views and good times, right? Wrong. Here are our top grossest things about the County—
1. Lilacs, Ugggh.
Look, I know some people go on and on about lilac season, but please let’s all admit to each other that it’s really the worst. Come every single spring, wild lilacs are suddenly the only thing you can see, forests of them all across the County, white, pink and like eight shades of mauve—they grow wherever they want and don’t even have the decency to colour coordinate. And there’s this: that lilac smell that just can’t be stopped, even with nose plugs. Once May comes, that’s it—the fragrance is on every breeze. And let’s be honest, it’s not just those awful lilacs assaulting our senses with their pretty abundance, Prince Edward County starts acting like it thinks it’s the garden of Ontario all spring and summer long. I’m not even going to start on lavender, ugh. It’s an an onslaught of purple flora…oh wait, we almost forgot about the hollyhocks, those tall, obscenely colourful giants that line the roads of Waupoos in July.
Come. On. Wildflowers of Prince Edward County. For the love of everything that’s holy: give us a break.
2. Wine in Vineyards. Awkward.
Look. You’re probably into wine and maybe beer or cider, but please, did you really need to drink it right here? Like how many places in the world have wine and beer and cider? Don’t you have an LCBO a block away, like the rest of Ontario? You do know that you don’t actually have to drink it in the place we make it, staring out at a bunch of plants, right? “Hey! I’m drinking wine made from crushed, mascerated, punched grapes plucked mercilessly from vines mere feet away from where I’m sitting.” That’s pretty harsh—you should probably think about it for a bit.
We’re guessing you probably also like to eat food cooked outside.
3. Outside Cooking. So lame.
Seriously chefs of the County, haven’t you heard of kitchens!? What’s the deal with this burning need to cook food over an outside fire? Like, it’s 2020 ok. Cook in a damn kitchen. We’re looking around and getting pretty embarrassed about this, between the asados at Parsons, Matt DeMille’s “cinderblock chicken” that time at Trail Estate, basically anything we’ve ever eaten that Albert Ponzo cooked, and oh yeah, let’s not forget Jamie Kennedy‘s outside fries. Like, get inside hippies. Nice work on moving the fire inside the restaurant, Flame + Smith, but couldn’t you just use a regular oven like the rest of us? And ALSO what’s the deal with all the wood fired pizza ovens here? Two words: electricity. It’s complete and utter mayhem out there. A few years ago, we even saw Grant Van Gameren and Dave McMillan cooking breakfast sausages or something ridiculous on a smoker outside the Waupoos Winery Restaurant. Yuck.
It’s enough already, chefs. Hear us: go inside. Next you’ll be telling us you grow your own food.
4. Sunsets. Whaaaaa?
You know what’s really REALLY special about the County? The sun sets here at the end of every. single. day. No kidding. It’s like mind boggling, but it’s totally true. First, it comes up in the morning and then, like several hours later, it sets on the horizon, sometimes over the water. It depends which way you’re looking at it. Pretty special, huh? So like, you should get your camera ready and warm up your Instagram fingers because it’s totally going to happen again tonight. Uh-mazing, right?
Remember: Sunsets are totally hideous to look at and things that happen every single day are mega boring.
5. County Artists & Makers—take a break.
Dude. Whoever wanted to live in a place where everyone’s trying to like, capture everything all the time? Lilac season was gross enough before you started commemorating it forever. Everywhere we look, every medium imaginable, galleries from the pits of South Marysburgh to the peaks of Big Island. Makers’ Festivals out the wazoo. Can’t you just swallow your feelings and keep them on the inside like everyone else? Everything isn’t art, okay!!??
6. Barn/Field/Cellar Parties. Yee-bloody-haw.
Woooh! So you and your friends got together and had a dinner party in an old barn. Does that seem fancy to you? No. And seriously, a field? Like, it’s a field. Just because you put up a long harvest table and some fairy lights doesn’t make it a party, friends. And Enid Grace, just because you CAN cook six courses for people who want to hang out in a field, doesn’t mean you SHOULD! (See cooking outside.) And stay out of the woods, ok. Also, please don’t bother with that campfire scenario—what are you, a grade 6 boy scout? Oh wait, I have a better idea! Let’s have a party in the place where we store our wine, instead. Yes, that’s right—the cellar! That place with all the barrels and barely any room for tables and chairs. Sooo basically a storage room celebration.
Super elegant parties, guys. Gross gross gross.
7. Collaborating. Whyyyy?
So basically, you’re telling me that no-one in Prince Edward County has anything actual to do. “Hey! Let’s make something together!” OK! Womp, wompppp: now basically two or more people will be spending hours and hours doing something completely pointless together for like no reason. WHO ARE YOU HELPING?!?!?!?
We just can’t with this one. Get a job.
8. Winter. Like obviously.
Look, we know everyone already hates winter, so we hope we don’t need to convince you too much that it’s exponentially worse in Prince Edward County. There’s likely way more white stuff to clear, way further to travel in it, and we swear, winter is definitely uglier here in the County than anywhere else in the entire world. Are you kidding us with your family ice rink and three-on-three hockey classics, Midtown? I mean we might as well give up and stay home from November to June. Literally the epitome of horrible.
Here’s another photo in case you’re not totally convinced—
9. Water. Just barf.
And totally, for sure, the number one most disgusting thing about living in PEC just has to be the water views and the beach life. How can one small island have so many different bodies of water? How can Lake Ontario look like the ocean? Where is the other side?!?!?!? Hate it.
Dunes? Go back to California.